My daughter recently asked me why I haven't posted to my blog in so long. I was at a loss for words.
I could cite time: I've been so swamped with extended commutes and long work days that I've so little time and energy left by the end of the day or week that blogging just wasn't coming. And, in a way, that's true, but probably more of an excuse than a reason. I've watched my kids do homework faithfully through thick and thin--much more than I ever did. And they've been exhausted doing this too. So this response would not be adequate.
I could cite writer's cramp: I can't get my thoughts to come out straight. And, to some degree that is true. But, then, how often have I sat back and tried to write? Same issue as above ...
Reality: the blog has mirrored my efforts toward completing my doctorate. I have completed the class work and only have my dissertation left to write. But it seems every time I plan to work on it, I convince myself not to complete my precis and get going on the project. Some may call it defeatist ... and in some ways I have allowed myself to wallow in the pit of "what difference will it make?" But as a good friend mentioned to me a while back: "this can't be about you or even you making a difference."
Then I find myself asking, "Do I really want to commit the time and effort to complete this thing?" I have wrestled so much with the "why" that I stopped doing the "what." And the truth is, regardless of how well what I do may or may not be received, regardless of the time and commitment required, this is something that is at the core of what I believe God has called me to do. What hasn't matched for me is the being, for above all, God calls us to be, and out of that being, to do and to go what and where he shows us. And in response to my daughter, this is really the reason why.
I am an emotionally driven person. As my wife often says, I'm either "all in" or "all out." Such extremes are not the healthiest places to live. I have been discovering much about myself, seeking to find solace in a life without quite as many peaks and valleys--often times self created. I think at work, at home and even at church I am a bit of a drama king! I work best under pressure or with a vision that captures my emotions and drives me forward. So I tend to create emotional imbalance in my life--whether it be deadlines or even conflict. Sad eh? LOL ... But seriously, my emotional makeup is both one of my greatest strengths--I can really be there, can empathize and really inspire others--and it is also one of my most significant weaknesses--I can shut down, withdraw, and really frustrate others.
So the last few months have been spent seeking to grow in character, addressing little things that tend to add up to a lot of other things--from the way I respond to other drivers on the road to the way I engage my family after a long day at work. I am far from finished, but I think it is time to return to this post and to my dissertation. I can continue to grow as I write ... for even my approach to my dissertation and this post had been subject to emotinal waves that were simply not enough to sustain the project.
So please pray for me as I continue to grow and seek to complete the largest reflective undertaking of my life--in many ways a culmination of what God has been doing in my heart and mind for over 20 years. Pray that I may find my sense of self and the equilibrium needed for all of life in surrendering my will and my life to the care and purposes of God.
And watch for a new blog on "the gospel in the west" coming very soon ...
I could cite time: I've been so swamped with extended commutes and long work days that I've so little time and energy left by the end of the day or week that blogging just wasn't coming. And, in a way, that's true, but probably more of an excuse than a reason. I've watched my kids do homework faithfully through thick and thin--much more than I ever did. And they've been exhausted doing this too. So this response would not be adequate.
I could cite writer's cramp: I can't get my thoughts to come out straight. And, to some degree that is true. But, then, how often have I sat back and tried to write? Same issue as above ...
Reality: the blog has mirrored my efforts toward completing my doctorate. I have completed the class work and only have my dissertation left to write. But it seems every time I plan to work on it, I convince myself not to complete my precis and get going on the project. Some may call it defeatist ... and in some ways I have allowed myself to wallow in the pit of "what difference will it make?" But as a good friend mentioned to me a while back: "this can't be about you or even you making a difference."
Then I find myself asking, "Do I really want to commit the time and effort to complete this thing?" I have wrestled so much with the "why" that I stopped doing the "what." And the truth is, regardless of how well what I do may or may not be received, regardless of the time and commitment required, this is something that is at the core of what I believe God has called me to do. What hasn't matched for me is the being, for above all, God calls us to be, and out of that being, to do and to go what and where he shows us. And in response to my daughter, this is really the reason why.
I am an emotionally driven person. As my wife often says, I'm either "all in" or "all out." Such extremes are not the healthiest places to live. I have been discovering much about myself, seeking to find solace in a life without quite as many peaks and valleys--often times self created. I think at work, at home and even at church I am a bit of a drama king! I work best under pressure or with a vision that captures my emotions and drives me forward. So I tend to create emotional imbalance in my life--whether it be deadlines or even conflict. Sad eh? LOL ... But seriously, my emotional makeup is both one of my greatest strengths--I can really be there, can empathize and really inspire others--and it is also one of my most significant weaknesses--I can shut down, withdraw, and really frustrate others.
So the last few months have been spent seeking to grow in character, addressing little things that tend to add up to a lot of other things--from the way I respond to other drivers on the road to the way I engage my family after a long day at work. I am far from finished, but I think it is time to return to this post and to my dissertation. I can continue to grow as I write ... for even my approach to my dissertation and this post had been subject to emotinal waves that were simply not enough to sustain the project.
So please pray for me as I continue to grow and seek to complete the largest reflective undertaking of my life--in many ways a culmination of what God has been doing in my heart and mind for over 20 years. Pray that I may find my sense of self and the equilibrium needed for all of life in surrendering my will and my life to the care and purposes of God.
And watch for a new blog on "the gospel in the west" coming very soon ...
